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Wednesday, 26 March 2014

How do you define?


Delusion, delusions, delusional. Things you don't like, goes on - and will still go on. You can grumble, but you cannot run. You can choose to fake about it, as if you LIKE it, yet you don't. You hate it, you wanna change it, but you don't want to change it as you are afraid you would make a wrong move. I tried, I told myself, it's working, it's working but in fact it's not. 


Before I turn in every single day, laying in my comfort zone AND yet my heart is not in comfort at all. I felt burdens, heavy burdens, loading and piling. Making me grossed out, making me feel like I don't want to continue this. It gives me the creeps, I don't want to go on. It's tiring, it's never ending, give me a break, humans with expectations. I am not ready, I am not. It comes too fast, it goes too fast too.

People see things on the surface, they assume things, they THOUGHT that you are blessed, they thought you had no worries, they thought you had money - because you own a luxury item or even because you do a lot of shopping, and that's all they see and nothing else. 

How many times had I wanted a break? A break from school, dapinkrubbish etc.. Just a decent break to park my worries and burden in and forget about it - even temporarily is fine for me. YET, IT CAN'T BE DONE. I am afraid the more I want something, the more I couldn't get it and it only gets worse.

Is money everything?
No, Money isn't. But if you don't have it, you will die for it, you will go insane about it, you will get desperate, because you want it, you WANT it, you would take all measures to get it. Yes, some people does. When did I first starting to care about money and realized it's importance?

When I started dating, I realized money was needed to date. To be honest, without money, you can't date. And when you can't date, the problem arises. Between you and him. And either one party, for my case, will want to get more money. Just to date. That's all. And afterwards, you think about getting married and stuffs and more. We were both trying hard. 

Then, slowly, you get your bills, yep. Your parents can't pay for you forever. They can't spoil you, they can't take care of ya and wipe your ass every single time. 

I find it an irony, because, you don't stand in my shoes. You don't understand me, maybe 30% of the whole time? I don't want to say it anymore as I had been non-stop repeating that I sound like a broken radio. What happens if things took a change?

I don't own Da PinkRubbish, I don't have money, have you thought of it? Where does most of my money comes from? You know it best. Would things still be as good? And another honest clarification is that, in order to make yourself feel good. YOU LIE. To yourself.
We won't get to have so many movie dates, no nice food - and I am extremely sure about it.

It's ok, everything is working well etc etc. Nope. You clearly know its not and you just want to show off to people how bless you actually are when in fact, you are really not. When you decided to fall, be prepared to get injured. If not, don't fall. Draw a clean line. Make it clear. Sometimes too much of a helping hand makes it into a habit. An extremely addictive behavior you cannot quit.

I am not looking forward to the trip in fact deep down. Nope I ain't. Because I foresee not only smiles & laughter BUT also tears, anger and argument.

Our quarrels forever revolves around money. Always. I know you are trying. I am trying really hard too and I really need you in my shoes because, you have me to help you when you need help. But no one will be here to help me with money when i need it. History has proven, has proved to me, you couldn't even helped me with that minimal amount of money when I needed it desperately, really desperately. That I have to go into despair. Sorry I couldn't do anything WHAT - doesn't solve things. You could have prevented these if you had been more hardworking and not dragging. Doing things at the very last minute. I never turned my back on you. You know it well.

I feel like I need to feed more than myself. Struggles hard but to no avail.

Maybe you are reading this, maybe you would be feeling mad, or maybe not, but I think you would. Feeling why am I even posting this. Well, because I am only going to be saying, typing, it one last time. I gave my all, my time too, my heart, my money, MY EVERYTHING in fact, and yes you did gave it back to me, not that I am greedy or what but have you gave in your all? You only appreciate at this point of time, and the next? You forget about it and *POOFS*

If you do not have the means, don't do it. Don't even think about it, Because, you only think I WANT THIS, I THINK ITS BETTER, PEOPLE SAY IT'S BETTER. I BELIEVE AS LONG I WANT THERE WILL BE A WAY. End up the pressure goes to who? When you start to get pissed cause you can't handle? Cause not enough money to? Your temper needs to be kept in check. 

My heart got fucked.

..

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