Saturday, 18 January 2014

Sorry, classmates!

Thank you RAINE baby for this smiley face donut! Saved me from hunger! WAS SO CUTE THAT I COULDN'T BEAR TO EAT IT!! 

Thanks for treating me so well! I have to say I never had much closed friends. I have to admit I don't have the affinity to have friendships. Of course I am glad I have a great love life so I should complain less. 

But, I am really sorry I am quite irresponsible handling the graduation show - unit 14. I know sorry couldn't mean anything. I admit I disappeared, I last minute, and I lazy to clarify things. 

As in I ain't like this. Just that recently my own things gotten more and more and stressing me out. So I have to make a choice between the things I want. 
To clarify, I am not saying grad show is not important and my stuffs are more important. Everyone has their commitments. True. But I am too lousy that I have too much things, TOO MUCH on my plate. So since I can't face it, I HAVE TO RUN. I am really sorry. I know this is FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE but I REALLY don't know how to do it. 

I know you guys told me to work with others, assign people. I know I know. BUT, I had never been a leader before. AND I SUCK AT LEADING. Yes. SUCK. I cannot lead because I don't know how to give instructions. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO INSTRUCT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS. So to make it simpler, I DO RUBBISH OUT BY MYSELF. 

I know I should had rejected the role. BUT I WAS SABO -.- BY THIS STUPID IDIOT THAT I A BIT BUEY SONG EVER SINCE THE PROJ HE FUCKING THREW TEMPER AT ME. Yes, I dare to post, I dare to say. I think he knows it too. Anyway there is so many fake people, how can I not be fake too right? People fake nice to you, AT THE BACK STAB YOU, you need to be nice back meh? I don't see the need you know?

Whatever it is, I really am sorry I m irresponsible regarding that. Because I am not interested. I know that grad show is everybody's. I know that. But, I feel really sad over these three years design might not really be what I really want. Or maybe I just need a break. It's too tense. I am trying very hard and forcing myself to move on too. Everyone is working hard to graduate, so am I. But I am too fuckedup, my passion is rotting, my motivation is fading, my body is exhausted. I AM TIRED. I WANNA FUCK CARE. FUCK CARE LA. 

My parents are stressing me to faster graduate, get a job, pay more bills. 
I m struggling to pay for my esteem needs, make up blah blah. If without this I everyday hide at home don't dare go out. 
My boyfriend is going NS this year, and it's unbearable sadness that I want to accompany him more. 
My online competitors are climbing higher and higher and I am lagging. 

People see things at the surface. She seems happy. So many time can go out. So free. EH HELLO. FK U JUST FK U. You don't see what's the real thing. 

MONDAY TO FRI AFTER SCHOOL, sometimes I have to pack orders, pack stocks, stock check, sometimes check and manage my income and see whether enough to pay bills etc. You think so easy ah. Some ridiculous customers keeps coming to piss u also. And I feel like sleeping almost 24 hours. I can even sleep while walking that I knock that bloody pole. FUG. 

It's hard to do everything. I regretted not sleeping more instead of ton-ing to finish my work. Resulting in myself having stupid sleep disorder that I keep sleeping everywhere. IN INTERNSHIP ALSO. WAPIANG. IN FRONT OF MANAGER FUG. 

I really tried. Maybe can try harder, idk. I just want a short getaway. I just wanna GRADUATE PEACEFULLY. IF NOT I REALLY WILL GO CRAZY. I WILL HAVE A FUCKING MAJOR BREAKDOWN MAN. 


Every night before I sleep, I always have to worry. Worry everything. Feel guilty when I sleep. Sometimes I feel like killing everyone that gets in my way. I feel like just killing myself. All these fucking worries. I wish they can all fuck off from my mind, my brain. 


Just that a lot of SUDDEN changes from the school. 

Suddenly submission delay. Then my plans made earlier have to proceed. CANNOT CHANGE. 

Meaning I did plan. But it's not my fault. 
I thought Friday(17) was final submission.

So I put my appointment for nails sponsorship on 18th 2pm-5pm. 
6pm collect advertorial items. 7pm dinner with my boyfriendAS WE WERE QUARRELING I NEVER ACCOMPANY HIM. I WAS SO FUCKING HEARTBROKEN. - SATURDAY BURNT. 

19th Blogshop Gathering. 12-2Pm. 
Advertorial shoot 2Pm-5Pm advertorial shoot. 6pm reunion dinner. - SUNDAY BURNT. 

At most I can only do PowerPoint for FYP. Foe unit 14, I am sorry I have to squeeze out non potential work. 

I swear it's going to be awkward for sure. Think what you guys want. Even if you think I m irresponsible, I am sorry too. It's ok to bitch behind, anyway isn't it the common practice?